for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in HELL

Sasquatch is beside herself with joy now that the electricity seems to be reliably back and she can watch the Game Show Channel again. Last night, Who Wants to be a Millionaire was on. Sas has always had a little crush on Regis Philbin...I'm baffled by it, but it's harmless. And she has always hoped to be one of those "phone helpers" that the clueless call when stumped by a question like, How many states are in the United States? (Sas would not be a good answerer for that question; she always forgets Hawaii.) She's been having a little trouble seeing the television since her bangs have gotten so long. We had to postpone her day of beauty at the salon because of the ice storm. Now, she says she wants to let her bangs grow out...I hope she's not planning to pull them up into a topknot like some stupid little Yorkie at Westminster! (How odd that Sas doesn't want to watch the Westminster competition...I think she's a little sensitive because she's not a purebred.)

While Sas was enjoying her Philbin-fix, I thought I should check email in case someone from Nigeria was trying to give me a million dollars. Well, there was nothing from Nigeria. Crap! I could have used a million too. I think a piece of jewelry in diamonds and platinum would improve my outlook tremendously. But, there was an intimate message from someone in HELL!! His name was Inhuman_Being. Well, that didn't sound too promising, but I had to see what his intimate message was...Besides, his photo wasn't bad...if it was really him of course. You really can never be sure. So I opened the message and whoa! did he have a lot to say!! It was more a novelette than HELL message. First of all, he told me that he didn't expect me to reply, or even read his message...good show of self-confidence there, big boy. He yammered on about this and that...where had I lived most of my life and did I like the mid-west (I don't think I live in the mid-west....isn't that more Indiana and Iowa? I think I live in the upper south and my city certainly tries like hell to be a southern city. I think the mayor would like us to be Atlanta North.) He loved making new friends and he liked getting email and he wasn't sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life walking the dogs and his wife had no problem making new friends and getting new lovers and...wait! His wife? I read on, even though that freak light had come on and it wasn't just blinking "caution." No, it was a steady and bright beam...It turns out that his wife had helped him write his profile because she was good at profile writing and he wasn't...Well, I hadn't read his profile, but if it was anywhere near as long as his message, then I doubt the whole thing would have fit into the HELL profile form. When I finally got to the end, (Yes, I read the whole message...it was like a traffic accident...I couldn't look away.) he mentioned that I probably thought he was one of the freaks I'd cautioned not to contact me. But he wasn't, he said, really, he wasn't. And he invited me to come to his town in Indiana and have coffee with him...and his wife. And what must he do to convince me to join them for coffee, or a drink, or even dinner?? I wouldn't be sorry!!!! Oh, they weren't into swinging...no indeedy. They each had their own lovers and did not engage in threesomes, but apparently, his wife had more success in the finding-lovers department than he did.

So, what to do? Well the obvious answer is "nothing." Don't answer, don't think about it, don't look at his stupid profile...just let it go...right? So, of course, I sent him a message and asked him what he didn't understand about my admonition that freaks were not to contact me and hadn't he read the emasculation portion of my profile and did he have a death wish or what?

I expected, after that sound scolding, he'd crawl off to his corner and lick his wounds...but no! He answered and he was not contrite! He asked...no...demanded to know...what I had against married people having lovers on the side. Well I have nothing against it...I just have no interest in being a party to it. Then he wanted to know why the mid-west was so weird...how should I know? I don't live in the mid-west! He said he visited my city regularly and could not understand why people here smiled at him and said, "Hi!" and waved and gave him directions and dressed nicely for work and said "please" and "thank you" (or "no problem"...ick) and spoke to him in restaurants...what was the matter with us?!?? Well, I couldn't send him a reply. If he can't understand common courtesy and has no appreciation for genteel manners, then I have no use for him. Well, I had no use for him anyway, but for someone to complain that folks are too mannerly...that's just beyond the pale. What he doesn't understand is that those manners are what make it possible for us all to live together without wanting to kill each other like animals on a daily basis. I did ask him where he was from...Washington DC...

--Ina