the Plan...how it played out

Sas and I were sitting on the couch. The Game Show Channel was showing Hollywood Squares and Sas cannot abide Phyllis Diller, so I let her watch the Golf Channel. I was reading the latest email from the Engineer, the one I wasn't sure I was going to answer. I wanted to get through it before the Golf Channel made me all jittery.

We'd exchanged a few emails. If you remember, the plan was that I'd lure him in and get him all burning with desire then drop him like a hot rock. In the end though, I couldn't do it. I had been flirtatious, but a little hard to get this go round. And while Dave seemed interested, he wasn't as eager as he'd been with my alter-ego. Maybe he'd been telling the truth when he'd said it wasn't all about the chase for him...He'd sent his phone number (call anytime!!) but I'd said I spent most most of my work day on the phone and would rather stay with email for now. He didn't really pursue it. In this latest email, he'd asked for a photo. I'd already trolled the web looking for the perfect picture and I thought I'd found her. A cool blonde, dressed casually in white, outdoors watching some sporting event I'd imagine. The picture was indistinct enough that I could probably find another pic of a similar-looking woman if he asked for another.

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought I'd just let it go...not respond to this email and let him think, well, whatever he was going to think. I just didn't have the heart to go through to the end-game. And the reason? Well, it was pretty simple, really. For a little over 2 weeks, he'd made me feel really special. I'd felt wooed, courted...I'd felt like there was someone thinking of me with a smile on his face. I know what you're thinking..."WTF, lady, it was only 2 freakin' weeks!" But, what an intense 2 weeks, and you don't know what I'd been through the last several years. I'd put myself last because there were other people who needed me to put them first. I'd helped my husband as he marched, then crawled toward his date with death. It wasn't easy...in fact, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I was exhausted all the time from taking care of him (you haven't lived until you've cleaned out someone's feeding tube hole) and working full time and doing all the household chores and cooking meals for my mother. It was grueling! And he hadn't been dead too long before my mother started to decline, which brought a whole new set of circumstances. My sister dealt the most with my mother though and it was a good thing, because I wasn't sure I could do it so soon after my husband. Thanks J., you know who you are...
For over 3 years, I'd felt tired and heart sick and unattractive. So Dave's ardor was something different, something fun and it made me feel desirable for the first time in many years. That's a powerful feeling. And that's the reason I couldn't go through with it. Even though he probably deserves it, it won't come from me. Maybe some other girl can do what I ended up being too soft-hearted to do. Part of me hopes so...
Dave will be in that big warehouse in my mind where all the other characters from my life reside...the family members gone too soon, the childhood friends, beloved pets, old lovers, enemies even...Dave will be in that little alcove, the one between the friends' room and the lovers' room. Because he was more than one, but not quite the other. He'll appear now and then. When I hear a gruff voice say, "Ahhm fahn." Or when someone mentions our favorite movie. He'll flicker past behind my eyes, and it will be okay.

--Ina