recapping Christmas...

Sasquatch and I were kinda happy Christmas was over. Oh we're not all Bah! Humbug! but when most of your family is dead, well, it takes some of the joy out of the holidays. Plus, the Game Show Channel shows all these stupid holiday episodes, and who really wants to see Phyllis Diller in a Santa hat? Still, Sas and I managed to have a pretty good time, as evidenced by Sas's favorite holiday photo of herself...Look how cute she looks in her little ribbon hat!

In years past, my family had always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve...we'd have a big dinner and open presents, and although the venue would change, it was still the same tradition. In recent years, we'd had Christmas Eve at my sister, J's , house. I'd go pick up Mom and we'd drive over there and Mom would alway talk about the Christmas lights and how pretty they were...And we'd have country ham and baked brie and too much of everything, especially martinis! J's husband, G, has mad martini-making skills and he likes nothing better than to show off, so we always had enough to drink.

Since Mom had died in the summer, on Christmas Eve this year, we decided to break with tradition and go out to dinner. J made reservations at a pretty nice restaurant and we were going to meet friends, Walt and Arlene, there. (Now Arlene normally takes medication for well, a little "thinking" problem, but was not currently taking her pills because they had run out and to get the prescription renewed, she'd have to have a stress test and she was afraid if she had one, she'd have a heart attack and die.) So, we were seated pretty quickly (which was strange for this particular restaurant) and it seemed like everything was going to be great. And it was...mostly. Throughout the meal, Walt would, from time to time, exclaim, "Balzac!!" and when he did, Arlene would punch him on the arm and then they'd both dissolve into hysterical laughter. This happened repeatedly...Balzac...punch...laugh. I was confused...I couldn't understand what Arlene thought was so funny about her husband screaming out the name of some dead French guy, whose books weren't even all that amusing. J and G just kinda ignored it, so I thought I should too. And then...I guess Walt enunciated more clearly or I was listening more carefully or something because I suddenly realized that he wasn't saying "Balzac" at all. What he really was saying was, "Ball sack!!" And I admit, ball sack is a lot funnier than Balzac, but I'm still unsure of the context and maybe it's just a private joke between Walt and Arlene...

Arlene had a bad cough. She said it was allergies...it sounded more like pneumonia to me, but I'm no doctor. Every few minutes throughout dinner, she'd be overcome with a coughing fit...and these were not little delicate coughs. No, that girl could cough! And when she'd recover from one, she'd mention that it felt like her uterus was going to fall out...Well, OK...I'm not sure if such a thing can happen, but if that's how she felt...And it was OK, while we were sitting there at the table. But then...We'd finished dinner and we were standing around trying to get our coats on and sure enough, Arlene had another big one...the mother of all coughing fits. And when she got her breath back, she said, "OH MY GOD!!! I'M COUGHING SO HARD I FEEL LIKE MY FUCKING UTERUS IS GOING TO FALL OUT AND FLOP AROUND ON THE FLOOR LIKE A CATFISH ON THE BANK!!!!!" Well, I think I mentioned that this was a pretty nice restaurant and people were looking at us , and not in a friendly way. So what could we do other than try to get Arlene out of the restaurant and into the car before somebody called somebody...Well, most of us were doing that. Walt was doubled over laughing hysterically...I guess he's used to it. But he picked up the check, so gets a pass...this time.

--Ina