reflections on HELL

It was a so-so day. Then Mr. V stopped by my office and gave me influenza. Oh wait.........wrong blog.

There we were, Sasquatch and I...You know where. The Game Show Channel was airing a retrospective of This. Is. JEOPARDY! With your host, Alex TREBEK! Sas isn't that crazy about Jeopardy. It makes her feel stupid. I've told her it makes me feel stupid too; however, she's very sensitive about her intellect and cares little about mine, whether because of indifference or because her adoration of me is complete, I don't know. But she was watching with one eye. What she really was concentrating on was mauling her new Christmas toy. She was blissed out, gnawing on Rudolph's antler. She did look up when I snapped her pic because, well, ham. Later, I'd have to read a chapter in Slugs in Love, but for now, she was engaged. Thanks K., for Slugs in Love...you know who you are.

It gave me a chance to reflect upon my journey through HELL.

My first profile, I'll call her Aubergine, attracted a lot of freaks. I mean real freaks, not the good ol' boy freaks who contact Ina. Maybe it was because Aubergine identified herself as a widow. Dunno. Anyway, let's think about a couple of those freakitty freaks...

The freakiest was oh, let's call him polyboy from Bodiddly IN. He wanted Aubergine to join his polyamorous family. He had a partner, a woman he identified as his "primary" partner. He wanted Aubergine to be his secondary partner, because his primary partner already had a primary partner (a woman)and polyboy was her (primary partner's) secondary partner (I don't know what his relationship was to his primary partner's primary...maybe none.) Confused yet? Yeah, me too. Anyway, he wanted us all to go on a kayak (do they make 4-person kayaks? Perhaps he meant for me to bring my own kayak. Yeah, right.) trip in a cold stream, and he emphasized "cold," but what else could it be in the middle of November? So after the kayak adventure, he thought we could all take a shower together, to get warm I guess. And then, well, this part is truly unbelievable. He had stated that ideally, I would be a Lesbian (I'm not sure why he thought I might be a Lesbian. There was nothing in my profile to indicate that; maybe it was just wishful thinking on his part.) because he had quite a good record of "transitioning" Lesbians into "hetero-Lesbians" (I believe most people call folks of this orientation "bisexual" but whatever.) Anyway, he would transition me by means of his extraordinarily massive "equipment." Oh he was a most considerate and gentle lover, he assured me, and no woman could resist the unparalleled charms of his freakishly large, well, stuff. Then after my transition I guess I would just get up and go home. He didn't really specify. Well, call me a prude, but no. I'm not going to be anyone's secondary partner especially if he already has a primary partner who has a primary partner. I mean, that would put me at absolutely the very bottom of the pecking order...not a good place to be. But then, in HELL, as Aubergine, I often felt like I wasn't in a real good place...I think that was part of the appeal of the Engineer...he seemed so normal.

Then there was the guy who wanted to "comfort" me in my grief over my husband's death. I've forgotten his "name" and in any case, I wouldn't use it here, but it was something like "goodlovin4u4ever." He told me that after his wife died, he was as lost as a "throwed ball in high weeds" and that I COULD survive, but only if I really wanted to and that a good man could help. And guess what? He was that very man! Yes! With his "good lovin" I could regain the will to live! He'd help me get over my "greif" and we could even talk about it, in between sessions of good lovin. Well I don't know. Perhaps I misunderstood him. Maybe English was not his first language and what he was really proposing was a discussion of quantum theory. Is "greif" the word for "string theory" in, perhaps Albanian? Once again I dunno. It seems that I've been spending lot of time scratching my head lately and I'm pretty sure it's not because Sas has given me fleas. (Sas would NEVER tolerate fleas. Believe me.)

--Ina